Friday, May 11, 2012

Dudas existenciales (turno noche)

Es verdad que la mente del ser humano a falta de activación de la melatonina anda a mil por hora. Tomemos el ejemplo de lo que me pasó anoche (aclaro: es figurita repetida). Después de una semana que empezó bastante atareada y con malas vibras; que después siguió bastante bien y termina con una noche de jueves a viernes bastante pesadillesca (?) con un sueño que tengo que mandar a analizar. 
El tema es el siguiente: mi vida. ¿Qué rumbo tiene que tomar? Porque me imagino que no soy la única que ya está medio podrida de tener que sentarse a estudiar cosas que le resultan irrelevantes para su futura vida profesional (hopefully en el exterior) porque esta carrera que elegí en el país al que quiero ir...NO EXISTE! Helloooo!
Y anoche me puse a pensar en lo que voy a escribir en segundos nomás (terminaron siendo minutos porque me distraje con las nubes que pasaban rápidamente por atrás de los edificios): Quiero mandar mis resultados del TOEFL afuera, la info a la Unis ya las pedí a pesar de no tener ni visa, ni pasaporte ni un mango para comprarme un chupetín en el free shop del aeropuerto. Porque convengamos que con 25 dólares muy lejos no voy a llegar, ¿o sí? 
En fin, volvemos a lo mismo que me pasaba en el 2008. Cero motivación, cero ganas de hacer tres pasos para tomarme el bondi y en 20 minutos estar en la UM. Porque lo peor es que llego y me la banco, soporto toda la clase, escucho (ponele) a los profesores y hago la tarea pero no siento esa plenitud y goce que probablemente sentiría en otro momento. 
Sí, hago un mea culpa. Soy de esas personas que se cansan rapidísimo de las cosas y que prefieren sentarse a filosofar antes que agarrar un manojo de libros para la facultad. Admito que perdí el training en el estudio y dejo todo para el último momento. Si no me gusta, olvídalo. No esperes que le meta pila porque va a ser un fiasco total y voy a terminar citando la famosa frase de "I give up...". Y peor si me apuran para terminar la carrera porque piensan que como sé inglés es "UNA PAVADA PARA VOS". Em...no, no es así. Aunque cabe admitir que hay cosas que me encanta saberlas de antemando porque son menos horas de culo en la silla y más libre albedrío por las calles de la ciudad y bares nuevos donde tomar el té, escribir, sacar fotos y filosofar. 
Ya llega un momento en el que uno dice: "basta, necesito un break". Yo lo vengo necesitando desde el 2010 masomenos porque siento que todavía no encontré mi lugar en el mundo y a veces me frustra y me agarra esa angustia en el pecho. Y lo peor es saber que familiares y amigos te refriegan el hecho de que viajan y se van a estudiar afuera y que esto y lo otro. No me lo cuentes si sabés que hace que tenga que contener las lágrimas  y que me den ganas de agarrar la almohada y romperla con las manos. I mean....c'mon! 
Y eso me pasa a la noche. Ahí es cuando me pongo a pensar y a dudar de mí misma, de si soy lo suficientemente buena en lo que hago, por qué soy invisible para algunos a veces, por qué soy cero amiga del ámbito social y atestado de gente. ¿Seré la única freak que es anti matrimonio, anti hijos y pro viajes y pro estudio y cosas nuevas y exóticas? (Pro estudio me refiero a todo lo relativo al inglés que es la unica asignatura que sí logré terminar: KET, PET, FCE, CAE, CPE, TOEFL. Y ni hablar de la filosofía...¡AMOR A LA SABIDURÍA SI LOS HAY!) 

Monday, April 16, 2012

A kaj bi se zgodilo če...?

A kaj bi se zgodilo če bi jaz kar začela pisat po Slovensko? A bi kdo kaj razumu? Ne bom pisala knižno, problem pride tam kjer se zavedam da ne znam pisat "ne knižno". Tukaj sedim v moji sobi (po dobri južni) in premišljujem kaj bom danes storila. Ponedeljki so zmeraj malo žalostni, ¿a ne? Spet v faks, vlak spet polhen, profesorji ki ne marajo pridet v faks za tri ure pouka. Pa tista slaba energija pride do mene. Zato včasih pa res bi rada sam ostala doma al pa bi šla na sladoled v Portico, al pa na kavico v Havanno. Ampak ne, kar grem v faks. Ko pa pridem in vidim moje sošolke in sošolce vse izgine. Vesela sem ker se smejem do enajstih zvečer ko se pouk konča in grem spet domov na večerjo.
¿A ni to zanimivo? Rada študiram Angleščino na UM ampak ni isto kot je blo ko sem  šla v Katoliško. Oh well...vse ni lepo in komotno v življenju, ¿a ne? 
Letos bodo že 6 let od kdaj smo bli z Rastjo v Sloveniji. Včasih odprem tisto rdečo škatlo in se čutim v moji deželi kot v letu 2006. Ker Slovenija je, in bo zmeraj bla, moja dežela. Rada bi spet šla nazaj z mojim fotoaparatom da bi slikala vse, da bi spet čutla tisto konekcijo z mojo družino. Da bi spet vidla tiste lepe gore, Ljubljanico, da bi spet pila čajček za zajtrk z Nutello in Napolitanke. Da bi šla v NUK pregledat mojo e-pošto in potem na sprehod do Ljubljanskega gradu. ¿A David še dela na Turističnem centru? ¿Me bo še kdo rekel "gospa" ko grem kupit jagode za malco? Ampak kaj je blo najčudovitno je pa bla tista noč ko smo šli gledat "Razvalina življenja". ¿Teater vzunaj med gorami? ¡To je blo pa res super! Toda ja, Slovenija je še zmeraj v mojem srcu, čeprav letos bodo bli 6 let od kod je bus prišel do tisti kot v Evropi kjer je pisalo: "Slovenija"



 
 
 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Priorities...a radiography of Alex

This last week I decided to rearrange my priorities. I need a new beginning. I seriously think is time. But, a real change. Like the one that happened from 2008 to 2009. A change like that. 
So, the other day while I was sitting in a bar with my laptop drinking a cup of Earl Grey and a sandwich, I decided it was time to make a change. I mean, why not? Change is always good in my life. 
I went back home, stood at my bedroom's door and started thinking how to rearrange everything to make some room for this new beginning. I started by grabbing my travel books and putting them in a bookshelf where they would all be together again: London, Rome, Venice, San Francisco, Sydney, Mexico, New York, Chicago, Beijing, Slovenia, Spain...
The photo from the Eiffel Tower is in that special portrait hand-painted by me in 2008, surrounded by that key chain that weighs a ton and decided to leave on my desk as a decorative item. 
Then, there are my DVD's...my special collection. Those movies that are perfect to watch on a sad and cloudy day (when is cloudy inside of me and/or outside). My Jamie Cullum DVD next to the James Blunt's one, the 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th seasons of Friends (cuz I need some more cash to buy the rest :P) and some romantic comedies that have inspired this blog's entries and some writing on paper made by myself a few years ago and still nowadays. 
Then, tons and tons of photos. The one that my brother gave us where's my dad next to his car waving at the camera and another one from my first day at kindergarten; then my two granny plushies that represent both of my grandmothers. My Beauty and the Beast porcelain figures and some more photographs from friends and members of the Street Team. Quite a journey, a nice way to represent those memorable moments from my life that are so dear to me. And then...perfumes and the plushie of the Alsacien stork that my brother got me from France in 2009. 
The cork wall! My cork wall has seen everything during these past 16 years of my being in this house here in Buenos Aires' west zone. Now is covered with indie stuff: from bands to ordinary people, an Italian flag, a poem by Jorge Luis Borges (El enamorado) and my favorite one from EE Cummings (Somewhere I have never traveled) that I know by heart. Some Broadway musicals posters: Close to normal, Wicked, Hair, Jersey Boys, The Lion king, Beauty and the Beast, Sweet Charity, Hairspray, How to succeed in business without really trying, The Book of Mormon, Rent and The Sound of music. 
And then the artistic corner of my desk: My Nutella jar with Sharpies, scissors and some pencils. 
I even have a tea set in my room just in case I get thirsty at some point of the day. Is my emergency-tea-kit. It has saccarin (Sucaryl and Splenda) and drink coasters, among with a Twinings metal jar with some different teas to choose from. (I'm a tea freak!)
My three cameras keep me company next to my bed next to my H2$ Playbill with Darren Criss on the cover (is framed of course). 
Then, I have three plushies of giraffes. One that my dad bought me when I came back from Europe, another one that I bought a few months ago and the last one that is a key chain. I also have a rubber with the shape of a giraffe that dad brought me from Europe in 2005. (still in its original package). 
And then...BOOKS, BOOKS AND BOOKS! Pride and prejudice, The Notebook, Rosie O'Dunne, Marley and me, The host, The Hunger games and Invisible. (and tons more that are in different languages including Spanish, Slovene, Italian, French and, of course, English. 
My glasses lay on top of the last book that I'm supposed to finish reading and then there's my "London fund"jar where I put coins and money to start saving for my next trip. I have no clue how much money I have in it...
And then, last but not least, my laptop. Mainly filled with indie music and novels still in development and some others being corrected in the process. And then, photos and tutorials, editing programs and that's it. What music am I listening to? Adele, Alessi's Ark, Bon Iver, Charlene Kaye, Courtney Marie Andrews, Dustin O'Halloran, Final Fantasy, Fleet Foxes, Freelance Whales, a selection of Glee songs that I like, The Honey Trees, Jamie Cullum, Jim and the Povolos, Lost in the trees, some Lady Gaga, Mariee Sioux, Meg Baird, Midlake, Mimicking birds, Mountain man, Panic! at the disco, Vampire Weekend, Parachute, Queen, Río en medio, La Roux, Semi precious weapons, Shoot the freak, some Team Starkid songs and..Young the giant. 
So, where's the change? Everywhere! Life is amazing for me right now. My room is the living image of who I am and what I love. I'm a geeky creature. While some others looooooove going out at night to dance and drink until they pass out, I prefer to read a nice book next to a nice and warm cup of tea, watch an independent movie, go to museums and film festivals, to plays and just go to a bar and have a meal while writing stuff like these. Yeah, I've always been like this. Why change into some costume that just doesn't go with me? I like this costume that I have on me. It's me in a 100%. Maybe a lot of people don't get me or think that I'm kind of an antisocial loner but hey, who says that I have to be like the rest of the people my age? 

Monday, March 26, 2012

5 años ya...

El sábado me encontré con la mala suerte de hurgar en el calendario 2012 y me di cuenta que este año, 24 de abril, va a caer un día martes. No sé cómo me caerá la noticia cuando llegue al lunes a la tarde y me acuerde de esa última noche que compartí con ati en casa y yo estaba estudiando filosofía. Es increíble cómo la mente humana se acuerda de esas cosas y uno ni sabe que la vida le va a cambiar en menos de 24 horas. 
A veces me parece algo sumamente lejano e irreal, pero creo que todas esas sensaciones me van a afectar a flor de piel. Será cuestión de ver qué dicen mi cuerpo y mi mente cuando lleguen las 9 y algo de la mañana. 
Ayer, cuando festejamos lo 90 de mi abuela, hubo un momento en el que dije: "faltan ata y ati" y verlos en el video no me causó tristeza, al contrario, fue alegría porque así los recuerdo. Formaron una gran parte de mi vida y; obviamente que se los extraña muchísimo pero por algo pasan las cosas y me tocó esto. Sé que están...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dear Juls...

      I cannot begin to explain how therapeutic is to read every single one of your blog posts. It seems as if you always knew what I'm going through and have just the right words for me. 
I came across your blog while visiting the "20 something bloggers" page. I remember it well.             When I started reading those amazing entries I thought to myself: "I should start writing again, it helps me a lot" and I came back here, to my old blog, the one that I used to release the tension and to let go of the sadness that came after having lost my father and grandfather in less than 24 hours in what (still to this day) I think it was for the best. How could mom, grandma and me take care of my grandpa with Alzheimer's? Whenever he had those moments when he didn't recognize anyone, dad would be there to hold him back. I was just 18 and had no idea that he had that illness. Just imagine! 
Now, five years later I can say that if it hadn't been because of therapy and my writing in this blog, probably I would still be dealing with the mourning and learning to let go process. I also will be forever thankful for everything that I learnt while I studied Psychology in college. That helped me too in order to understand the mourning process. It motivated me to investigate more and help the members of my family. Now, I'm also able to share this wisdom with whoever needs it. I can sincerely say: "I know what you've been through and I'm here to help you." Even though I never finished my studies, I'm planning to do it because I've succeeded in giving advice to many people who got bullied and had suicidal thoughts. I was there for them, listening and giving them my advice, telling them that they will win in the future. Have the lead role in their lives, be their own directors and decide where their lives will go. 
Religion helped me too. I'm very Catholic and going to church gave me this amazing feeling of peace. Every time the priest talked I felt that I had the answer to what was wrong inside me that day. And now I apply that wisdom and sayings with those in need. 
I even wrote a novel as a kind of therapeutic release of my feelings, without ever having imagined that such amazing words would come out from inside me and be printed in an A4 page. Writing from that dark place and at that moment made everything very genuine and unique that I think I will never be able to express what I did back then. 
Then, reading your blog made me search inside me for things that I thought were forgotten, opinions that were now ready to burst out in written words. Everything had a different meaning. Now I was able to read things from a completely different perspective and I embraced them.
My therapist saw that change in me and told me to embrace it. Sometimes I even got amazed with myself for those words that came out from my mouth. Who was this new girl? I started writing again to communicate that change is possible with effort and commitment to the subject. 
Thank you for helping me remember so many things, for making me not afraid to speak my mind, to let the real me out from inside me. 
You said "Change is good. Find peace within your life of transit" and that's what I did. I used to hate some people that hurt me in the past and I've learnt to let go and whenever I had the chance I told them how they taught me so many things for my path in life. No heart feeling with anyone. Those bullies who told me that I was ugly, fat, weird and so many other things were the ones who made me stronger, they made me want to be better. And I am, today I can say for sure that I am. I've achieved so many things in my life, I've dealt with loss, failure, sadness, loneliness and turned them into profit, success, happiness and friendship. 
I'm myself in a 100%. After 23 years of existence I can say that today...this is the real me. Someone who enjoys the small things and that if a stranger is in need of a nice word or help I'll go running towards them to mend a piece of their hearts and make them smile, make their day a better one. Maybe they'll forget about me at the end of the day, but they will forever stay in my heart, making me feel complete and satisfied, smiling at what life has put in my path that day. 
Who knows what the future hold for me? I'm enjoying my present. Maybe my plans for life will be completely different of what I have in mind right now. But what I do know...is that if they happen in a certain way, it will be for a reason. Am I still searching for perfection? No, I just want everything to happen organically in my life. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, only God knows why he didn't want that for my life. And if something happens that makes my world shake as if it were because of an earthquake, I know I'll have the tools to find a solution and face it. 
Everything that happened in my life, all those moments that made me freeze and think that there was no way out were put in there because He knew that I was going to be able to make it through, and I did. Here I am world, bring it on!



Saturday, January 21, 2012

Eso que me pasa en días de lluvia...

Ayer tenía tanto para escribir y no hice nada. Hoy, estoy como en un lapsus creativo. Sólo saco fotos desde que me levanté con mi GE. Me siento como en esos días de lluvia que tengo esa paz y ganas de sentarme en el porche a tomar té Twinings y comer Nutella. 
Para explicarles mejor qué significan los días de lluvia para mí, he aquí una breve explicación. Viste esos días que son PERFECTOS en todas las formas posibles habidas y por haber que te ponés a escuchar música tranquila y solo querés tirarte a respirar oxígeno? Así. Hay que vivirlo, los días nublados me hacen sentir mejor que nunca, me siento plena y feliz, con ganas de cantar y redecorar todo. 
Y para ilustrar cómo me siento, a ver si se entiende, algunas fotos y música:


Freelance Whales - Generator 1st Floor

Freelance Whales - We could be friends

Final fantasy - Your light is spent

Charlene Kaye - Different colored eyes

Bon Iver - Holocene

The Honey Trees - Wake the Earth

Río en medio - Tiger's ear

Vampire Weekend- I think UR A Contra

Y ahora las fotos:











En fin, así me siento ahora, cuando está nublado, o llueve o está por llover :)